The Good Employee

I have always tried to be a good employee, maybe not the best employee, but a good employee nonetheless.  I show up on time for my shifts, limit the amount of call offs in a year and try to help out when and where I can as the situation warrants.

As a manager, I have tried my best to be better than those I have worked for.  I emulate sharacteristics I see as effective and work extra hard not to duplicate those behaviors that I have found to be counter productive and, in many cases, dishonest.

I have never felt that I should be name "manager of the year."  I have made my share of mistakes.  I like to think that I am at best a "good" manager and try not to fall into the category of "bad" manager.

Today is Monday, November 14th.  In a week and a half I will be starting a new job.  A return to management after nearly nine months away from the management field.  When I accepted the job, I thought my largest hurdle would be tolerating the retail business again.  Ad boring as my two most recent temp jobs have been, at the very least they are not filled with the endless demeaning interactions with customers.  But I think, after last night's dream, there may be more to my initial hesitation than I first thought.  Management.  Better yet, middle to low level management (i.e. the fall guy).

The dream in question was about Borders.  Particularly the meeting that I had with James, my general manager, and our new (at that time) district manager regarding the threat made to me by Jessica, my sales manager.  It was a strange dream, almost like a rerun on TV with numerous pauses and moments that were rewound and replayed to determine if any changes could be made.  There never were any changes.  Just an endless retelling of the same speech.  And each time, the same moment in time when it dawns on me, when I realized that I was not the victim giving testimony.  Instead, I was the culprit, the decision having already been made before I even opened my mouth to speak.  I was the guilty party.  My character, my behavior, every action, thought, decision, conversation, everything...suspect to scrutiny.  It was at that moment I knew no matter what I said, no matter how many testimonies or evidence was presented to the contrary, nothing would sway the ultimate decision.  I stood accused.

It was a very eye opening experience.  A perfect lesson in the basic nature of human beings.  A lesson of how many lies will be told, the subtle act of deception, the overall willingness to just not say a word, the propensity to look the other direction, anything to take the attention off of themselves, divert it to someone else, disappear in the crowd and hope that it all goes away.  Anything, but tell the truth.

I know that I am not the same person that I used to be.  What confidence I had was shatterenc that day in the office.  The manager, the employee I thought I was, gone.  Questionable.  Afraid.

I still try to be the good employee.  I will still try to be the good manager.  But there will always be that shadow, that question, that doubt.

I know what I did was right and even with hindsight I would do it again.  My conscious is clean on that matter.  Yet I also know that I have changed.  And I'm not sure how that will translate in my new job.  I guess only time will tell.